I Drank…A Lot…And Now I Don’t.
I am not saying I will never drink again. But I don’t have the urge to drink. What a blessed relief! It has been twenty-nine days since my last drink. It’s easy to remember — I had my farewell bottle of wine on January 1st.
I knew I was drinking more than I should. The increasing number of empty wine bottles attested to that. Taking up some of my brain space was the figuring, the calculating: how would I get my next bottle? When I went grocery shopping, a stop at the liquor store was de rigueur. A home delivery service accommodated me on more than one occasion in between times.
Keeping it hidden from friends and family also took up a lot of my brain space. Watching the clock: when would it be reasonable to have my first glass of wine for the day? Congratulating myself if I made it to 5:00. Oh, the games I played.
I watched Joel Osteen, Senior Pastor at Lakewood Church in Houston, TX, on Facebook Live. He preached that the chains of addiction could be broken, that it could happen suddenly, that I could be free. I watched for many months. I became convinced that I could indeed be free.
I consumed many, many bottles of wine during the Christmas season. The Festive Season has never been festive for me. There are too many unpleasant memories that surface. It seems almost trite to say, but yes, I drank to numb the pain.
I have a long history of alcoholism, going back to when I was in my twenties. I came close to dying from pancreatitis when I was in my thirties. I have had periods of sobriety, sometimes for as long as three years, before I found my way back to what I knew to be comforting. Of course, the fallout from indulging was not always comforting.
Why was this time any different? I knew within my spirit that this time was not the same as the many other times I had tried to quit, that my cries to be released had been heard. I planned my “good-bye” bottle. When the time came, I very nearly didn’t want to drink it, but it was there, so I did.
I have no hankerings, no urges. In times past, if I read about someone drinking, it would trigger a need in me. Now I am writing this, and it’s as if the alcoholism happened to another person. For sure it happened to me. There is too much history to say otherwise.
I’m fanatical about documenting every cent I spend. I categorize my spending into four columns: Fixed, Flexible, Food, and Fun. “Fun”, of course, is a euphemism for the wine. That column is empty. I am saving hundreds of dollars. Not only am I saving money, I am also saving my brain, my health and my relationships.
I may have a glass of wine here and there — because I want to, not because I need to. I won’t go out of my way to look for it. I don’t see that happening any time soon. I’m free.